333 Ways to Get Kicked Out of Seireitei
by invasianofasians
Summary: Pure, 100% crack. May contain small slivers of sanity in unlikely circumstances. Read, laugh, cry... and review if you want! :P
1. Reasons 1 to 10

**Author's Note: **I read a few of these "333 ways to get kicked out of _" fics and I must say, they are freaking hilarious.

Anyway, I decided to start my own as a collaboration with my beta. I have also gotten permission from the lovely Miss iTorchic and the fanatical AngelWings228 to write this fic.

(A little advertising here) For those of you that enjoy FMA and/or Hetalia, please check out iTorchic's hilarious 333 crackfics for those fandoms!

**Holy poodles. I'm posting this on Labor Day...**

**1. Hide something (or someone) on the ceiling and see how long it takes for people to look up.**

Komamura drooled the whole time. Apparently, even a sudden storm of falling dog hair and dander didn't even rouse Sasakibe, who was deathly allergic to dogs.

**2. Start a pokefest. **

"Poke."

"..."

"Poke."

"..."

"Poke."

"..."

"POKE."

"GODDAMNIT I GOT IT ALREADY, YACHIRU!"

**3. Smash the person in front of you with your zanpakutou.**

Kenpachi was hoping that Yumichika would crumple to the ground. He didn't expect Yumichika to jump up and smash Ikkaku's head with _his_ zanpakutou. A chain reaction began.

Unohana had never hated Kenpachi more in her life when a couple hundred eleventh division Shinigamis showed up at the fourth division sporting concussions. .

**4. Go up to an old man and yell in a loud voice, "GRANDADDY! YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!"**

Only Yachiru would be able to pull this off without being singed to death by Ryujin Jakka. Well, maybe Toshiro could if he acted more like his age.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

**5. Reenact scenes from "Snakes on a Plane," albeit with _real_ snakes, of course.**

Never had the halls of Seireitei heard such loud screaming. Who knew that Ikkaku, of all people, was terrified of those reptiles?

The answer: no one, save for Kenpachi.

**6. Move "Caution: Experiments in Progress" signs to random areas.**

That explains why Byakuya was afraid to walk into his special garden...

And why the fourth-division Shinigamis were LTAO-ing...

And why the twelfth-division Shinigamis were pissed.

**7. Install an intercom into the soutaicho's office.**

For the elderly Yamamoto, it had been quite easy to scream insults halfway across Seireitei without even leaving his chair.

"GET YOUR FREAKING ASS OVER HERE INTO MY OFFICE, SASAKIBE. NOW."

Mayuri cursed himself for not coming up with that idea in the first place.

**8. Use that same intercom to broadcast gossip.**

Rangiku snuck into the office.

Along with the rest of the SWA.

The rest is better left unsaid.

**9. Get a Batman costume, put it on, and run around screaming "ROBIN! TO THE BATMOBILE!" **

Kenpachi made a pretty damn scary Batman. Only Yachiru had the guts to jump on his head, yelling "LET'S GO!"

Now where exactly was the Batmobile...?

**10. Hide in the sake cellar and sporadically jump out at people yelling "PICK ME!" **

"And here we have a nicely aged specimen. This baby here has nice floral tones, a smooth finish, and faint apricot notes."

"PICK ME!"

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"... And here we have a "Yumichika Ayasegawa." Aged for quite a few years, but has a very immature flavor. Distinct notes of gayness, swirly-ness, and a huge tone of glitter."

**Author's Note:** Meh, at least I tried... to be funny... :)

Review? Suggestion? Crit? Leave it all here in the shiny white box under this!


	2. Reasons 11 to 20

**Author's Note: **Ahem. Another slightly flawed chapter for this story... and its two weeks late! Gah.

**11. Tie two zanpakutous together, rein a poor person in, and ride it like a personal sleigh.**

"GIDDYUP, GIDDYUP! HURRY UP HISAGI!" The whip cracked against Hisagi's back.

"I AM, SHUT UP!"

"This is fun!"

**12. Throw popcorn at a random division.**

Wait a sec, there isn't popcorn in Soul Society...  
But then again, we do have a substitute Shinigami.

"YO ICHIGO! GET YOUR LAZY ASS OVER HERE AND BUY US SOME POPCORN!"

"I'M NOT LAZY, GODDAMNIT!"

**13. After getting your popcorn, let the fight commence.**

"BRING IT ON, BASTARDS! I SAY, BRING IT ON!" A certain red pineapple ranted.

"THIS. IS. SPARTAAAAA!"

"Last time I checked Renji, this is _Seireitei_. NOT _Sparta_."

"Wait, what the hell is Sparta?"

"It's a...place."

"Oh just shut it!"

"Someone's been watching a little too much 300..."

**14. Grab a guitar and start singing "Call Me Maybe" in a shrieking voice. **

Hisagi was one fist away from killing Kira when the latter showed up in the ninth division barracks with Hisagi's broken guitar.

Byakuya was always a stickler for good grammar. Singing was also taken into account.

**15. Randomly place twenty-four bottles of sake in divisions. **

The results of Nemu's Experiment are in!

Soi Fon pole dances, Byakuya whips his hair, Komamura acts like a real dog, and much more!

**16. Introduce the concept of Minecraft.**

"Why is everything so... pixilated? It makes my eyes hurt," Kira squinted at the computer screen.

"ZOMG WATCH OUT THERE'S A CREEPER!"

"WHERE?!"

"I LOVE CREEPERS CUZ I'M ONE!"

"..."

**17. Go up to a Shinigami and intone in an official-sounding voice, "Code Red in Testing Laboratory 482." **

Ahem. Code Red, in twelfth division terms, meant "blow up the whole place with a crap-load of TNT and make sure that there is no trace left of any experiments or labs."

At least it was better than Code Blue.

Code Blue meant "blow up the Shinigami(s) sexually harassing the twelfth division lieutenant."

**18. Follow people around for a whole day. **

"You know, this is much creepier than having a fan girl following me around all day." Toshiro grimaced in pain.

"But Toshiro-kun!" The fan girl screamed in his ear.

Ichigo laughed. "I never thought that someone was so desperate to get you in bed that they superglued themselves to you!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, KUROSAKI."

**19. Challenge Shinigamis to Nerf Wars. **

Unohana had a black secret: her aim was perfect. Deadly perfect.

Shunsui and Hisagi were each hit with about three hundred Nerf darts. Both were sent to the infirmary after a bald-headed idiot found a marshmallow gun and loaded it with pebbles.

**20. Play "Cops and Robbers," with police cars, tasers, handcuffs, and all.**

_BZZZZZZTTT_. The taser sounded.

"FFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK MY FRIGGIN' ASS! STOP FUCKIN' TASERING IT!"

"HAHAHA REVENGE, RENJI. REVENGE!"

Meanwhile, Ichigo and Toshiro were driving in a stolen police car.

"Can you seriously drive?"

"Kurosaki, who the hell do you think I am?"

"Well, I was just wondering if your foot could even-"

_BZZZZZZTTT_.


	3. Reasons 21 to 30

**Author's Note: **I finally live again… Hey guys!

If you have any ideas for this fic, don't hesitate to leave an idea below!

**(You know you want to)**

**21. Learn a new language. **

"E-e-e-eres g-ga-gay?"

"YOU'RE LEARNING SPANISH AND **THIS** IS THE FIRST THING YOU LEARN?!"

"Êtes-vous m-m-mâle o-o-o-ou fe-fe-feme-femelle?"

"THE FUCK?"

"You understand this, Isane?"

"I-ay hink-tay hat-tay hey-tay re-ay uestioning-qay our-yay exuality-say."

Ichigo's four-thousand-dollar shopping spree on did not go to waste. He loved seeing a flustered Byakuya.

**22. Introduce the concept of religion (specifically Christianity) to a Shinigami. **

"So you mean that Jesus dude could turn water into wine? And walk on water?"

"That's correct."

"Dude, that's sweet. I WANNA TRY THAT!"

"Uh..."

"NEW JESUS CHRIST, HERE I COME!"

The pope of the real world suffered a stroke after a maniacal baldy ran into his office ranting about sake, walking on blood, and Arrancars flying in heaven.

**23. Dress up in a Grim Reaper costume, go up to people, and intone "I have come for you." **

All a Shinigami really needed was an extra long hood attached on the back of their robes.

Apparently Orihime was a devout Catholic (complete with a thousand-piece rosary collection), Ishida was a Buddhist, and Yamamoto was -gasp- a Pastafarian.

"MOTHER OF GOD, ILLEGITIMATE DAUGHTER OF DAVID, THE GREAT VIRGIN MARY, I ATONE FOR MY SINS!"

"SHUT UP URAHARA."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Ichigo...Ichigo was a Freemason.

**24. Do the cinnamon challenge. **

"COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, ACKKKKK!"

"Oh gawd. Renji, did you just seriously barf all over the floor?"

"MY TURN!" Kiyone opened the container of cinnamon and poured the whole thing in her mouth.

"THE BURN! OHMIGAWD, THE BURN!"

**25. Ride around in a golf cart, attempt the accent of a posh English gentleman, and remember your posture.**

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT NEVER GETS OLD!" Ichigo and Urahara fell out of the neon pink golf cart in hysterics.

**26. Gather a group of your bestest buddies, crowd around a random woman, and when the time is right, ask, "Mommy, can we please, please, please go get some ice cream?"**

Many people wondered why they saw a bunch of men crowded around Rukia as they went into Seireitei's only ice cream shop.

"Never knew that Byakuya let his lil' sis get her own harem."

**27. Get stuck in a revolving door. **

"Here's a joke for you, Yoruichi: what's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and goes on forever?"

"I dunno."

"A penguin stuck in a revolving door!"

"And here's a trick question, Urahara: what's black and white and pink and black and white and pink and black and white and pink and black and white and pink and goes on infinitely?"

"Um... a penguin with pink lipstick stuck in a revolving door?"

"Nope. It's Toshiro and Yachiru stuck in a revolving door."

"WHHHHHHHHHEEEEEE! LET'S KEEP GOING, WHITEY!"

**28. Squeal over the latest release of a popular manga. **

"OHMIGAWD! THE LATEST ISSUE OF FAIRY TAIL JUST CAME OUT! SQEEEEE!"

"SO EXCITED!"

"..."

"Hey! Doesn't the master of their guild look a lot like Toshiro-kun here?"

"I'm. Not. OLD."

"But that stripper dude has almost the same ability as Hitsugaya!"

"You're right!"

**29. Play the "Get Acquainted!" game with another franchise. **

"Hey, I'm a red pineapple! I take it that you're a brown pineapple?"

"...Troublesome..."

"You look like a girl. And what's up with your eye?"

"You're a faggot, correct?"

"How come it's always the gray-haired or white-haired guys that are the most popular?"

"You guys have a love triangle, too? Sweet."

"Hey, I can kill people by punching them!"

"I can maim people by kicking them."

"You're not too shabby, seeing how you've got some creature sealed inside you."

"Likewise. You got some crazy-ass powers and can turn into a monster, right?"

"You like fake-smiling? Same here!"

"Cool!"

"You defected?"

"Hm..."

"Welcome to the club, man!"

**30. Nothing's better than a good old game of elevator tag. **

"AW FUCK! THEY WENT ONTO THE FIFTIETH FLOOR INSTEAD!"

"Didn't you say that we had a double agent?"

"Yeah. He said that they were gonna go to the thirteenth floor."

"There is no thirteenth floor, Kenpachi. Americans are superstitious."

"FUCK THOSE AMERICANS! AND FUCK YOU GIN!"


	4. Reasons 31 to 40

**Author's Note: **This will be my last update in a while for this fandom, I guess. Bleach grew on me, but I haven't gotten really good ideas of what to write…

Expect an update around… Let's see. I don't have a clue.

See ya!

**31. While humming the "Mission Impossible" theme, sneak around suspiciously. **

Isshin **was** on a mission. A mission to find all the possible ways to sneak up on Ichigo.

And also a mission to get thirteen broken ribs, a shattered shin, a sprained ankle, and a concussion to last till kingdom come.

**32. Star in a movie. **

"You kiddin' me?! YOU SERIOUS?!"

"As serious as the red eyeliner that I use."

"No way in hell..."

"Yup, that's right. Soi Fon's starring in a movie as a prostitute."

"There's no fuckin' way she agreed to that..."  
"But when she heard that Yoruichi was the director..."

"That explains it."

**33. Stand in the corner and pretend to be a mute for a month.**

Gradually, people began to forget that Isane even existed in the first place. It just so happened that just when Unohana needed her assistant, she couldn't find her. Minazuki was seen flying around the rest of the week, chasing after screaming Shinigamis.

**34. Wear a crazy costume to a random division, and start singing "I Know a Song that Gets on Everybody's Nerves."**

Soon, everyone was anxiously waiting the only day in each month that Kenpachi would dress up like a clown, and blast the annoying tune out of a boom box.

**35. What would you do for a Klondike Bar? **

Kira endured twenty weeks of torturous sparring with Kenpachi, seventeen days of Unohana's nasty medicine, five hours stuck in a pool of honey, and thirty-two minutes of play-the-target-during-the-eleventh-division's-daily-training.

"THIS THING TASTES LIKE SHIT! WHY DID I EVEN DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE?!"

**36. Find out exactly how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. **

Feverishly, Ikkaku licked the offending lollipop while Yumichika kept a close watch.

"Sixteen-thousand two-hundred and sixty, sixteen-thousand two-hundred and sixty-one..."

"I'M DONE!" Yachiru cried. "IT TOOK ME THREE LICKS!"

"HOW THE HELL DID SHE FINISH IT THAT QUICKLY?"

**37. Get stranded in a rainstorm. **

Ichigo complained that Toshiro had a faulty Bankai. The others tried to convince him otherwise. Coincidentally, a streak of lightning crackled and the substitute Shinigami was electrocuted.

**38. Attempt to make Pillsbury cookies. **

"Seriously?" Ishida smashed his face in his palm. "All you had to do was cut them up; put them in the toaster oven, and FREAKING BAKE THEM FOR GOD'S SAKE! HOW HARD IS THAT?"

Chad watched silently as his friend went into a mental breakdown.

"But... BUT HISAGI WANTED TO MAKE GRENADES... SO WE..."

Ichigo waked in at the last minute. "Someone exploded Yuzu's toaster oven, right?"

**39. Try to literally "Set Fire to the Rain." **

"BUT I SET FIREEEEEEEE, TO THE RAINNNNNNNN. WATCHED IT POURRRRRR AS I, TOUCHED YOUR FACEEEEEEEE."

"OH FUCK; THIS HURTS."

No one told Kira that raining drops of oil and having Momo set them on fire with Kido was a _Bad Idea_.

**40. Find a Portkey. Or at least **_**attempt**_** to. **

Mostly everyone questioned Shunsui's stability when he was found touching random objects (_ahem, possibly female assets as well_) around Seireitei.

"BUT I REALLY WANTED TO GO TO THE QUIDDITCH CUP! SO BADLY, YA KNOW!"

"PORTKEYS AND TELEPORTATION DEFIES ALL THE LAWS OF PHYSICS, MORON." Mayuri screamed.


End file.
